Sit and Spin...

Are you hungry?  No, why... Because it looks like your ass is eating that bike seat!

My brother says my blogs could use a few jokes, so there you have it!  Opened with a joke, just for him!  Except..in my case, its not so much a joke!

Let's focus:

So...I joined a gym a while ago.  Then I quit.  Without going.  Once.  I didn't feel all that guilty until my nephew told me that I have "bingo wings."   Sad, but true.  Needless to say, I immediately decided to reactivate my membership and get my act together!! 

I packed up all my gear today...shorts, shirt, shoes, sports bra, hair bands...I was gym READY!  A few of my co-workers joined the gym when I did (the first time) and actually started going, so I felt it was safe to let them guide me a bit.  After all, they know the class schedules and the in-and-outs of the athletic club!  My now-enemy, Molly lit up when I explained that I not only re-joined the gym, but actually packed my bag and was ready to hit the gym full speed today...

Molly explained that Monday was Spin Day!  FUN!  I mean, I've seen spinning classes and even almost tried one once!  And who doesn't love riding a bike!?  I was a pro...I started when I was four and never even needed training wheels.  Cinch!  Once an athlete, always an athlete!  Bring it on, like Donkey Kong!

Molly and I headed over to the gym and changed into our gear.  She led me right to class, where she vowed we would sit in the back of class and near a doorway...ya know, just in case.  LIAR!  MOLLY IS A LIAR!! 

The teacher saw fresh meat walk in and immediately came to introduce herself...yep, Barbie (who cares about her real name!) came over and grabbed me and started guiding me right towards the middle of the pack and couldn't wait to help me adjust my seat, bars, pedals...her happy, skinny ass even helped LOCK my shoes in place!  How nice of her...(bitch)

Molly hopped on the bike next to me and started adjusting everything like a pro.  The room started to fill up and everyone did their cute little adjustments and made small talk with their spinning besties and a few even welcomed the new, fat chick! (me)  The teacher got ready, put on her microphone...mic check, mic check...yeah, we hear you!  Everyone was pedaling, so I started pedaling too.  Easy enough.  Then class started....and it's a blur!

I recall wondering at about minute 8 if my life insurance policy was paid up and if I had updated the beneficiary, as I had intended a while back.  I started flashing back to the best memories of my life and thought, "if I go, it's been pretty good."  Somewhere in the vision of my funeral, I was interrupted by Barbie:

We're warmed up now, time to start turning and burning!

Excuse me?  Did she say warmed up?  I looked at Molly and said nothing...but the look obviously said enough because she immediately began to apologize to me under her breath.  I in turn whipped her with my towel and threatened her life...

Minute 14 came and all I could think of was an escape route.  How easy could I climb (lets be serious...FALL) off this damn bike and get to the door?  I couldn't honestly be the first kid to quit...and I'm sure I wouldn't be the last.  There were about 9 people in my way and all of them kept staring at me!  WHAT!?  I'm not looking at you people, I'm mapping my route to the exit!  I can't help you're in my line of vision!  Speaking of vision...at minute 16, I lost mine briefly.  I might have actually passed out for a second, but when I woke, I was still on my bike, legs still pedaling...nobody seemed to notice!

It should be noted that I ate Yoplait Harvest Peach yogurt for breakfast with graham crackers and water.  The water was a good choice.  The yogurt started coming back up at minute 23 when what I thought was a burp ended up being a VURP...and all hell broke loose from there!  All I could think was, "don't be the fat chick that throws up in class...don't be that girl!"  I was concentrating so hard on NOT puking that I reacted with a awkward cough/choke/hiccup and graham cracker actually came out my nose!  Yep!  I shot graham cracker from my nose...and with whatever dignity I had left none..I casually wiped it in my towel.  Don't worry, I borrowed the towel from Molly!

With no escape route available and the sheer determination to avoid being the newbie that passed out, quit, threw up, or such...I dug down deep!  I focused on the music.  I figured I had two long or three short songs to go before the class was over.  I started singing along in my head...singing out loud would have required far more oxygen than I was gaining at that time! 

Somehow, I made it!  I was alive, conscious, and actually aware of my surrounding (and how slow the stupid fans were going!  Are they just for LOOKS!?) when Barbie announced "cool down!" 

Music to my ears!  It was the best thing I had heard since, "Its a Girl!" and I was in labor for 16 hours!   The triumph was just as great, though.  I had survived my first (and possibly last!) spinning class!  GO ME! 

I have to give props to the Spinners of the world.  I have never sweat so much in my life.  I have never wanted to die and been so excited to live at the same time.  I have never been in so much pain in my life...even my fingers are burning as I type!  Amazing...

One side note...as we were leaving, Molly said, "I honestly can't believe you made it...I barely made it through my first class and I had been working out for like 8 weeks before I started!  You just dove RIGHT in!  You are crazy!"  I probably should have washed her towel before I gave it back...

Once an athlete, always an athlete...possibly just in need of a gel seat and padded shorts!

Who Am I Kidding?

This week was a LONG week!!  From getting dressed to eating breakfast to picking out a sweatshirt to grabbing her dance bag as we headed out in the morning..its was NOTHING but attitude and sassiness from my darling Kensington! 

Then after working for over 8 hours each day, I loaded up in the car to chase her around from one event to the next and shoved errands in where I could...all to get home, rush her through a bath, force her into pajamas and pray she would come down with some ailment that would take her voice...

Not permanently, of course!  I'm not a monster..I just wanted a break!  From the No, Whatever, and really mom?

I finally looked at her and said, "SINCE WHEN DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THE BOSS!? I'M IN CHARGE, NOT YOU!!"

Flashback Moment

Right.  Nevermind.  I'll go back to folding her laundry now.

For All My Omaha Peeps...

Anyone and everyone who grew up in Omaha, Ne (circa 1980s) had parents who shopped at Richman Gordmans.  And that was FANTASTIC!  Not because they had lay-a-way and our parents could make payments on the new schools shoes for months before we got to wear them...but because they had the Elephant!  Yep...the Richman Gordman Zooland was where it was at back in the day!

Back in the day...my parents, my brother, and I would head through the front doors of Gordmans and immediately diverge to our assigned areas.  Mom and Dad headed to the carts to fill up on all those bargains and Eric and I rushed to the Zooland!  We could have cared less how long Mom and Dad shopped...hell, for all we knew, they could have left the store, gone to dinner and a movie, and come back for us later!  (I'm only assuming they never actually did!) 

Richman Gordmans had an elephant, a hippo, a kangaroo, and a few camels!  And as I recall..the Elephant was HUGE!  It was like 20 feet tall and the trunk was SO FAST!  You'd crawl up in the elephant and sit down on the inside and laugh and joke and then climb ALL THE WAY up and s-w-o-o-s-h on down...it was amazing!  And you could fit like 29 kids inside the camel for secret meetings and the kangaroo fit about the same on his tail.  Man...those animals ROCKED!

But...like all good things, the animals came to an end.  Richman Gordmans packed em on up and let em collect dust.  Probably because they could not longer scrub the stench of urine out of them...or they simply invested far too much money in disinfectant to keep them afloat...but to all kids Omaha-an, it was devastating!

So..you can only IMAGINE my excitement when Omaha Children's Museum started a campaign to bring the animals back to life!  Donations poored in and restoration began on the elephant and his best buddies.  New patches, new paint, a whole new start...

I phoned a friend and made plans for a playdate..this would be perfect!  We made a pinky swear to recapture our youth...Kensington and Bailey could play their hearts out and Stacy and I could relive our dreams and take one last slide down Mr. Elephant's trunk!  Bring it on...

Insert Photo!

What the hell!  Note the 2 year old perfectly fitting through that opening behind me!  Did the Elephant shrink!?  Is my memory REALLY that poor?  20 feet tall my rear!!

There was NO way in THE WORLD I was even trying to go down the slide...I mean, my counterpart Stacy tried..and she got stuck!  She's half my size!  So...in an instant, I had to hang up my childhood...and my memories of the Elephant and his friends were slightly adjusted...I guess that's what happens when you're the mom!

In honor of all the amazing times we had...for all my Omaha peeps...here's to our Richman Gordmans Animals!  They'll always be HUGE in our hearts!!

The Elephant

The Hippo

The Camel

The Kangaroo

On a quick sidenote:

I have to admit, they look better now than I ever remember them looking.  And they smell a whole lot better, too!  And it helps to know they are forever preserved at the Children's Museum for all our future munchkins to climb up, slide down, and stuff into....and maybe, just maybe...one day, when its NOT so crowded and I haven't had such a huge lunch...I'll take my chance and squeeze on in for one last slide...sideways! lol

How did I miss THIS memo?

Okay...everyone knows my line of work - Special Investigations.  So..part of my job is to background folk.  (No big shock there.)  Any who, the newest resource in the world of background searching is the world of social network... viewing profiles of people....looking to see if people are linked, see if people are talking to eachother, etc.  That's right, I get paid to check Twitter, MySpace, and Facebook!

Which brings me to my blog:

Today, I was reviewing a few profiles and I noticed an amazingly impressive new trend.  Or heck, maybe it's an old trend and I'm just not hip to the idea yet!  Either way...I thought it was my CIVIC DUTY to bring this trend to the forefront and pass it onward and upward!

Ready?  Brace yourself...its life changing...

Middle Name Messages!! 

I mean, I'm not so sure it actually has a name, but that's what I am labeling it!  I'm the one bringing it to your world, I can name it what I want! 

Let's Focus:  Here we go...in this instance, I think samples are best!!  First and Last Names are changed to protect the privacy of people, but the Middle Names are exactly as seen on Facebook!

Janet FearsnoonbutGod Smith

Amy Yeahigotabadattitude Jones

Kim Dontworryyomanlikeit Thomas

Sasha Da'realistChickwalkin Watkins

I was dumbfounded.  Where have I been!?!  This is the BEST thing ever!!  Amazing!!...so I ran with it...I looked through Facebook for all kinds of Middle Name Messages!  They are everywhere.  And, as I searched, I noticed it wasn't only women following this amazing new trend.  Men can do it as well!

Kenneth Imdapimpdaddy Johnson

Tony Becauseimmakingmoneyboy Howard

James Blessedandwelldressed Jackson

I was enamored.  I immediately starting putting together options for my Middle Name Message!  Do you keep it classy...Do you throw in some faith...Do you send someone a hidden message!?  The options are ENDLESS!  So I decided...why decide?  I can change my Middle Name Message like my underwear!  (And, yes, that is daily, thank you!) 

SO...I beg you...I challenge you...take the plunge!  It's the most freeing thing you have ever done!  (At least on Facebook....today.) 

Join the Middle Name Message trend!! 

She Wants to Be a Dancer, But Who Says I Want to Be a Stage Mom!?

Every "mom" role is defined in life.  There are corporate moms.  There are stay at home moms.  There are nuts like me who try to combine the two!!  There are the skinny moms, the "I married rich" moms, the list goes on..you get my point.  But, thanks to the world of TLC, we've been introduced to a whole NEW realm of crazies, the Stage Mom!

Come on, now.  We've all watched it.  Not because we wanted to, or because we saw the preview and thought, "that's a must see!"...but because as we flipped the channels it hit us like a Mack truck, and even though we were staring at a train wreck, we couldn't rip ourselves away!  It sucked us in..and for the next 47 minutes, we watched these crazy women prod, poke, wrestle, and even duct tape their kids into costumes and flippers (you know what they are...you've watched!) only to head on stage and go for the big crown!

And, let's be honest - I don't care who I offend...its my blog - these women have a few things in common:

They are Fat - yep, I said it!  Every single one of these moms has got some extra junk in their trunk as they
shove nothing but carrots and water down their kids throats...b/c little Sally Sue can't have any muffin top hanging over her swimwear get up!

They need Mirrors -  They spend countless hours and endless money on getting Diamond all ready for the competition with her fake hair, nails and the natural looking spray tan, its about time they find a mirror!!...I'm just saying it'd be a good idea to touch up your own roots while at the stylist and possibly fill in your own gap smile before you buy another flipper for your kid, after all - they're SUPPOSED to have missing teeth!

They suck at Math - These crazy bats will actually rationalize their hobby by spitting off random figures of BriannaBelle's winnings.  "She's won over $5000 in the last 7 years..and I've put it all in her college fund!"  (College?  Aren't you reaching a bit!?  I'd be saving up for the T-Top Camero she is BOUND to want!)  I am guessing if they would stop spending $2000 per costume and $300 per entry fee, and who knows how much at the salon, and I dont wanna know how much on the pageant coaches...I bet you'd at least DOUBLE that $5k!  I'm not a rocket scientist here, but I think I may be on to something!  And while you are saving up all that money, you should fix up your TRAILER!

Anywho...so how does this relate to me?  (We all know, this is about me, right!?)  Because I am deathly afraid I will turn INTO one!   

Here is my dilemna...just because Kensington wants to dance, doesn't mean I want to be a Stage Mom!  When did I sign up for this!?  When did I decide I was going to chase all over town three times a week to get her to practice...only to give up weekends to spend my free time watching the most BORING lyrical dances I have ever seen in my life!  (Honestly...has anyone seen a lyrical dance?...if you've seen ONE, you've seen em all!)  I don't remember reading this in the fine print of the "Competition Dance" manual!!

I can't do it!  I mean, don't get me wrong..I might fit in a few of the categories above (I'm on a diet people, it takes time!)  but I refuse to reside in a trailer to finance my daughter's dreams!  I mean, I care about my root growth!  I can't IGNORE the amount of money I spend each and every month on dance...I have a running calculator in my head....and it aint pretty!  I haven't even had any return on investment at this point... (the first person who says, "her enjoyment is your return" is getting a straight shot to the baby maker!) 

I refuse to do it.  I wasn't made for this!  I am NOT one of those moms!  I don't click with them!  I have a real life job outside of my child's dance participation.  I have things to get done on the weekend...errands to run, laundry to wash and sort, dishes that need dishing!!  It's just not ME!  I was completely prepared to FIGHT this to the END....

              and then it happened....

Kensington, with such pride, came to me yesterday and showed me her first LOOSE tooth!  Any normal mother would be SO excited...this is a milestone, the launch into big kid land!! 

Nope - not me!  In all the "my baby is such a big girl" excitement, THIS is what creeps in:

 "Oh Dear Lord, we have a competition on Saturday!  She better not lose that tooth before competition on Saturday!!  Oh gosh...she's gonna need a flipper!" 

Yep...I give up!  I wave my white flag...I surrender

This is my dancer...

For Sale: Furnished Home

Wanted: Trailer with missing side panneling

Athletes Aren't Just Born, They're Made!

So, as I pick up Kensington yesterday from Papa Len, he is beaming with pride.  He can't WAIT to tell me all about how Kensington's teacher pulled him aside and explained to him that Kensington not only topped all the girls in races, throwing, etc during gym class testing, but she whooped the BOYS too!  He was SO proud.  It was adorable!

So...I did what any other proud Mama would do...I sent out text messages, posted it on Facebook and thought...THATS MY GIRL!  Then I talk to my Mom...and she says, "She's just like her Momma (I know!)...except she dances way better than you ever did!"  (WHAT?!?)  Thanks MOM!

But, let me focus on the point...I started thinking tonight that I need to lock this moment in time.  Perfect!  I'll blog it!  I started searching and searching for the perfect picture to show her amazingly natural form, strength, and build of athletic perfection, proof that she was BORN to be an All-American (not a dancer!)...and THIS is what I stumble across!! 

Yep!  This is where her athletic career started...just look at that brute!!  Shoved into a leotard, booty shorts..and topped off with a pink bow!  Ready to tumble her heart out!  Hands off America...she's mine...ALL mine!

That's right girl....strut your stuff...Momma's got your back!!

The Beginning...of the END!

Who talked me into starting this damn blog?  I COULD name names here, but I won't!  Her identity will be hidden for now, because I don't have the time, energy, or heart to call her out after 3 hours of adjusting settings and attempting to make my blog page "keep up with the Jones' blog page!" 

Yep, there is pressure and competition even in blog life!  Are my settings okay?  Does the page look up to par?  Is it too stuffy, not fun enough, just right?  What is this...the The Three Little Bears!  And I act as if anyone is actually going to care or sign up to follow this stupid thing!  So...really...I am doing this to impress myself later in life! ha ha  Well, here goes...

Today's Thoughts:

I have NO idea what I am even doing starting this.  I mean, I have a full time job (lets not call it a career, I still dream of becoming a lawyer someday!), and a child that couldn't be shoved into one more activity if I tried (which reminds me, soccer starts soon!), so when do I think I am going to have time to update my blog!?  My internal planner shows I can jam it in while catching up on my DVR of Real Housewives as I frantically toggle back and forth to Cityville and Fluffy Bird on Facebook.  Yep, bring on the priorities baby! 

Buckle up bloggers!  I've been forced to join...and It Ain't Always Pretty!