My brother says my blogs could use a few jokes, so there you have it! Opened with a joke, just for him! Except..in my case, its not so much a joke!
Let's focus:
So...I joined a gym a while ago. Then I quit. Without going. Once. I didn't feel all that guilty until my nephew told me that I have "bingo wings." Sad, but true. Needless to say, I immediately decided to reactivate my membership and get my act together!!
I packed up all my gear today...shorts, shirt, shoes, sports bra, hair bands...I was gym READY! A few of my co-workers joined the gym when I did (the first time) and actually started going, so I felt it was safe to let them guide me a bit. After all, they know the class schedules and the in-and-outs of the athletic club! My now-enemy, Molly lit up when I explained that I not only re-joined the gym, but actually packed my bag and was ready to hit the gym full speed today...
Molly explained that Monday was Spin Day! FUN! I mean, I've seen spinning classes and even almost tried one once! And who doesn't love riding a bike!? I was a pro...I started when I was four and never even needed training wheels. Cinch! Once an athlete, always an athlete! Bring it on, like Donkey Kong!
Molly and I headed over to the gym and changed into our gear. She led me right to class, where she vowed we would sit in the back of class and near a doorway...ya know, just in case. LIAR! MOLLY IS A LIAR!!
The teacher saw fresh meat walk in and immediately came to introduce herself...yep, Barbie (who cares about her real name!) came over and grabbed me and started guiding me right towards the middle of the pack and couldn't wait to help me adjust my seat, bars, pedals...her happy, skinny ass even helped LOCK my shoes in place! How nice of her...(bitch)
Molly hopped on the bike next to me and started adjusting everything like a pro. The room started to fill up and everyone did their cute little adjustments and made small talk with their spinning besties and a few even welcomed the new, fat chick! (me) The teacher got ready, put on her microphone...mic check, mic check...yeah, we hear you! Everyone was pedaling, so I started pedaling too. Easy enough. Then class started....and it's a blur!
I recall wondering at about minute 8 if my life insurance policy was paid up and if I had updated the beneficiary, as I had intended a while back. I started flashing back to the best memories of my life and thought, "if I go, it's been pretty good." Somewhere in the vision of my funeral, I was interrupted by Barbie:
We're warmed up now, time to start turning and burning!
Excuse me? Did she say warmed up? I looked at Molly and said nothing...but the look obviously said enough because she immediately began to apologize to me under her breath. I in turn whipped her with my towel and threatened her life...
Minute 14 came and all I could think of was an escape route. How easy could I climb (lets be serious...FALL) off this damn bike and get to the door? I couldn't honestly be the first kid to quit...and I'm sure I wouldn't be the last. There were about 9 people in my way and all of them kept staring at me! WHAT!? I'm not looking at you people, I'm mapping my route to the exit! I can't help you're in my line of vision! Speaking of vision...at minute 16, I lost mine briefly. I might have actually passed out for a second, but when I woke, I was still on my bike, legs still pedaling...nobody seemed to notice!
It should be noted that I ate Yoplait Harvest Peach yogurt for breakfast with graham crackers and water. The water was a good choice. The yogurt started coming back up at minute 23 when what I thought was a burp ended up being a VURP...and all hell broke loose from there! All I could think was, "don't be the fat chick that throws up in class...don't be that girl!" I was concentrating so hard on NOT puking that I reacted with a awkward cough/choke/hiccup and graham cracker actually came out my nose! Yep! I shot graham cracker from my nose...and with whatever dignity I had left none..I casually wiped it in my towel. Don't worry, I borrowed the towel from Molly!
With no escape route available and the sheer determination to avoid being the newbie that passed out, quit, threw up, or such...I dug down deep! I focused on the music. I figured I had two long or three short songs to go before the class was over. I started singing along in my head...singing out loud would have required far more oxygen than I was gaining at that time!
Somehow, I made it! I was alive, conscious, and actually aware of my surrounding (and how slow the stupid fans were going! Are they just for LOOKS!?) when Barbie announced "cool down!"
Music to my ears! It was the best thing I had heard since, "Its a Girl!" and I was in labor for 16 hours! The triumph was just as great, though. I had survived my first (and possibly last!) spinning class! GO ME!
I have to give props to the Spinners of the world. I have never sweat so much in my life. I have never wanted to die and been so excited to live at the same time. I have never been in so much pain in my life...even my fingers are burning as I type! Amazing...
One side note...as we were leaving, Molly said, "I honestly can't believe you made it...I barely made it through my first class and I had been working out for like 8 weeks before I started! You just dove RIGHT in! You are crazy!" I probably should have washed her towel before I gave it back...
Once an athlete, always an athlete...possibly just in need of a gel seat and padded shorts!
Oh my gosh, I was laughing so hard I ALMOST VURPED! =) You are such a riot. And for the record . . . I did a spin class . . . ONCE. Never ever never again, amen. The simultaneous muscle burn, and horrific pain in my crotch was enough to do me in forever.
ReplyDeleteHILARIOUS!!! That was exactly the experience I had at my first spinning class. Except I walked around for three days like someone took a bat to my crotch! Good luck on your recovery :)
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